Think back a few weeks to the feeling of disbelief and denial caused by the sudden loss of structure and social connection. This is when we thought ‘that’s looks shocking’ (images of the initial assault in China) and ‘I’m so glad that’s not going to happen to us…’
Then slowly it becomes real and we felt bloody angry as our inner voices complained that through no fault of our own we were going to lose our freedom and be forced to stay at home. The thing with anger is that it is strangely empowering. It gives us a sense of control.
However being angry for any length of time can be quite draining and as we acknowledged reality we started bargaining that if we followed the rules, practiced social distancing and washed our hands this too would pass and we could have our lives back.
Time passed and we experienced a sadness in the pit of our stomachs. We didn’t know when this would end, we were getting tired of putting on a brave face (after all we should be grateful, there are so many worse off than us). A leader of a large health centre commented in conversation ‘I don’t how to be me anymore. . . I always made a point of being visible, there when anyone needed me, supporting my team, welcoming new recruits and having those meaningful corridor conversations’. This role loss hit many of us at our core. Our identity. Coupled with loss of traditions, routine and normalcy. It’s been quite a load to bear.
With little gains, virtual connection and settling into our temporary norm we regained some power. Through acceptance we reflected that our lives hadn’t indeed stopped. We were going to be ok, or simply that we were at least having more good days than bad days.
In Kessler’s own personal dealings with grief, he felt once he had reached a stage of acceptance, what he really longed for was meaning. Kessler describes, it is often in our darkest moments we look for and can experience real meaning. For us, this lockdown provides numerous opportunities to find meaning. Parents are spending more time with their children, we are learning to connect with people via technology, we are appreciating the freedom of getting outside for exercise. We are learning new skills and new ways of being.
One unfortunate by product of the self-help movement is we’re the first generation to have feelings about our feelings.
Some tips for moving towards meaning from researcher Emily Acraman.
Acknowledge your feelings
Name your emotions and allow yourself to feel them… and don’t compare your feelings with those of others.
Find balance in your thoughts
When we talk about anticipatory grief, often this involves our minds imagining worst case scenarios. The key here is not to ignore these feelings, but rather to balance them out with positive thoughts.
Live in the present
If you feel yourself starting to get carried away worrying about the future, to calm yourself you need to come back to the present moment. Realise that in the present moment, nothing you’ve anticipated has happened. In this moment, you’re okay.
Let go of what you can’t control
Try not to focus your energy on the things outside of your locus of control. For example, you cannot control what the economic impact of COVID-19 will be, but you may be able to make some decisions about how you can minimise the personal impact on you and loved ones.
Finally, it’s a good time to stock up on compassion. Everyone will have different levels of fear and grief and it manifests in different ways. So be patient. Think about who someone usually is and not who they seem to be in this moment.
And finally… give yourself permission to feel your feelings!
“It’s important we acknowledge what we go through. One unfortunate by product of the self-help movement is we’re the first generation to have feelings about our feelings. We tell ourselves things like, I feel sad, but I shouldn’t feel that; other people have it worse. We can — we should — stop at the first feeling. I feel sad. Let me go for five minutes to feel sad. Your work is to feel your sadness and fear and anger whether or not someone else is feeling something.” Kessler